


to be held

by nunoneel



Category: The Penumbra Podcast
Genre: Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Juno Steel Needs a Hug, Mentions of Benzaiten Steel, Mentions of Diamond, Other, basically half of this is me projecting onto juno, but he doesn't like to be touched, i just want juno steel to be happy, idk how to get people to beta so it is not, mentions of abuse, mentions of depression, mentions of sarah steel, the other half of this is like character study?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2020-07-30
Packaged: 2021-03-06 06:26:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25618822
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nunoneel/pseuds/nunoneel
Summary: Juno Steel has never liked being touched.-or Juno learns how to find comfort in physical affection
Relationships: Peter Nureyev/Juno Steel
Comments: 12
Kudos: 120





	to be held

**Author's Note:**

> hello and welcome to my second junoverse fic! this is a sad fic, so here are some warnings because mental health is important! none of these are super explicit, just heavily implied. they're all issues i'm not super qualified to discuss, but they're important to juno's character.
> 
> trigger warnings:  
> \- mentions of parental abuse (verbal explicit, physical heavily implied)  
> \- mentions of abuse by a partner (physical implied, relationships are explicitly not good though not specified how)  
> \- implied sex (happens off-screen)  
> \- depression and self-loathing (follows juno throughout)
> 
> again, please stay safe! if that's not it for you, skip on! if you do read, i hope you enjoy!

Juno Steel has never liked being touched.

Even before Sarah got bad, he was always worried that a hand reaching for a hug could be going for something worse. After North Star, Sarah would never want to hug Juno. After all, he was responsible for losing everything.

Often her hand would reach for him accompanied with the snarl of  _ little monster _ .

Juno found comfort in the touch of his brother. In the safety of their room, Benzaiten could hug Juno after a particularly rough night. Benten’s touch was grounding and safe.

Juno had never been in the best relationships. Partners would touch him, pretending they were safe like Benten, but Juno could almost always hear  _ little monster _ behind it. Juno didn’t know any better. He assumed that their touch could never rival Benten’s, so he learned to stop flinching.

When Juno went to see Benten for the last time, he hugged his body and cried. For a while, he wasn’t sure if he missed his brother’s smile, company, or his touch more.

After Benten, Juno never felt safe being touched. Rita seemed to pick up on this, and she kept her hands to herself except for when Juno needed to be picked up off the ground again.

After Diamond, Juno wouldn’t let anyone touch him. Mick moved to pat him on the back, and Juno almost flinched out of his seat. Rita tried to hug him. Juno almost let himself be comforted before pulling away and avoiding Rita’s sad gaze.

Agent Rex Glass came in, stopping Juno from climbing out the window. Glass was all arms and legs, and he was good at just finding times to touch Juno. Always friendly and could be deemed professional for the most part. Juno moved as soon as he saw Glass’s hand coming.

Then, Glass was Nureyev, and he was gone. The only touch Juno would put up with was one that would lead to something physical, and there was always the temptation to pull away. And he did. More than once.

Nureyev came back, and he had to pretend to be married to a Duke Rose. Unfortunately for Juno, newlyweds tended to be almost constant in contact. Nureyev was a natural. Juno, not so much.

When Juno was too tired to move in Miasma’s tomb, he learned that Nureyev’s touch was comforting. Not nearly as comforting as Benten’s, but the closest he’d had in a while. Juno trusted Peter Nureyev. He trusted him enough to tell him in broad strokes about Benten and Sarah. He trusted him not to hurt him and to keep him safe while he slept. Once asked, Juno allowed himself to be grounded by holding Peter’s hand.

All at once, Juno felt the touch that meant comfort become suffocating. He wanted to feel safe in Peter Nureyev’s arms. But Peter’s hug meant leaving Hyperion, Rita, Mick, and Ben. Juno shuffled in Peter’s arms, trying to find the comfort that was there in the tomb. When he couldn’t find it, he realized he may never find it again.

So he left.

Juno didn’t touch anyone until seeing Rita after the DeArcs. Juno realized that he  _ was allowed  _ to be comforted by the people he loved.

Before leaving Mick in Newtown, Juno gave him a big hug, albeit a bit tentatively. Mick almost cried right there, but he gave Juno a watery smile and knew that Juno was going to be okay, Soul or not.

Rita held Juno’s hand as they left Hyperion City, loose enough so Juno could pull away. He squeezed her hand lightly as they left the dome.

Monsieur Dauphin was decidedly not a fan of public displays of affection. He was okay with touching hands and shoulders of socialites, but he was unfamiliarly stiff holding Madame Dauphin’s. Still, Juno felt a slight comfort, knowing that Nureyev was with him, even if they were attempting to steal a map from under a socialite's nose.

After Juno apologized, he sat in silence with Peter Nureyev for what seemed like hours. Juno nervously lifted his hand and placed it on Peter’s knee. Peter, unused to someone, especially Juno, initiating physical contact, looked up and met Juno’s eye.

They spent the night together, not doing anything, just finding comfort in each other’s voices and small touches. Juno didn’t remember falling asleep, but he remembered finally being wound up in Peter Nureyev’s arms again.

Juno felt safe again.

**Author's Note:**

> comments and kudos are nice... just saying :) i hope today turns out even better than you were hoping!
> 
> special thanks to space-city-traffic (on tumblr) for putting up with the general headcannon that turned into this! you can find me on tumblr @ nunoneel


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